I was having lunch with a friend sharing with her my journey of waking up. In between the motions of waking up to Reality, letting go of fears, realising I am not my body and connecting to my true self vs. thinking I am going crazy, I should stop this never-ending seeking and spiritual journeying and go back to doing normal things.
How I am flip-flopping back and forth - we were laughing together. Though the struggle is real. Yet, there is a deeper knowing that the spiritual journey, the awakening is something real and that I ought to do it and surrender to the reality of who I truly am. And that my ego will be shattered and broken down in the process. Or rather, that the dissolution of the ego is a necessary step for waking up.
And ohhh, it is hard. My mind, where the ego resides, tries to find all the reasons why this doesn’t make sense, why it’s crazy, why it’s irresponsible and why I should just get on with "normal" life. Fear keeps me stuck in between those two worlds, the world where I need to go, the awakening me, and the old conventional, mind-based world.
I keep walking that path but I never really fully let go of my old self, the conditioned Vincent that has a certain idea of who he is in the world, what he knows, what he’s good at, where he should be at and what type of life he should live. And those two poles are continuing to tear me apart inside.
I laugh about it because I know there can only be one outcome: to let go, surrender and awaken with a new sense of self, the sense of a higher self, of the true self, of unity and oneness. From the little I know it’s a beautiful place to be but the very entry card for it is to surrender this ego, the thing that keeps me small and limited and in a box that I have unconsciously created for myself.
A box that defines Vincent while he, just like everybody else, is limitless and undefinable. We are all so much more than we think we are. Because the limits of thinking and reflecting keep me in this self-created box of self. We all have this opportunity to wake up to our true selves, a truly free and fearless way of being, acting from a place of love and surrender to what is. No more fighting.
From that place, I can create the most magnificent and powerful life because it is built on a fearless, true, authentic self rather than a mental construct where I am wearing a mask, playing a role, trying to be someone but never be my real self. I might not even realise anymore that I am playing someone because it has become so much of who I think I am.
But when I drop into who I really am, through meditations, through psychedelics, through therapy looking at the limiting beliefs that define and constrain the Vincent me, I, step by step, realise that I am more, I am not what I think because my thoughts just pop out of the subconscious and then I follow, attach to and engage with them and that’s how I let them become "real" and thereby let them define and constrain me.
But I really am unlimited in my possibilities. Yes, there is a physically limited reality to my being but even that one is malleable beyond what I believe. Seemingly miraculous healings of terminal diseases like cancer are possible. It sounds unbelievable from a conventional point of view but they are possible from a higher level understanding of who we truly are.
So despite all these “miracles” accessible from an awakened way of being I keep myself held back in my limited sense of self defined by my ego because its hold on me is strong and it, myself, keeps controlling me through fear. The fear of the unknown of living a full, liberated life.
Yet that is the very entry card: To have faith, let go of fear to live in paradise on earth. And I’m starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. But until I let go of who I think I am, I keep myself in self-imposed bondage of the limited, half-lived life.
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