For most of my life, I have been both chasing to make more money and trying to spend less money and save more. Not even consciously. Money never really mattered that much to me but then it also really mattered to me. What do I mean? It consciously did not matter that much but it did in my subconscious mind.
I can now see how so many decisions I have made have been influenced by money. And you might say that’s normal. But I wasn’t conscious of it. If you would have asked me: Vincent what is most important to you? Money would not have made it onto the list. And yet, it was a profound driver, maybe even the driver. Secretly, in the background.
On a subconscious level, completely different games are played by my mind that I am not aware of on the thinking level. Yet my subconscious runs most of my life while I erreneously think I am in the driver's seat. That is until I start picking my behaviour apart.
As I am sitting in my meditation, imagining myself in nothingness, I am feeling perfectly happy in this place of meditative darkness, where I can stay for a long time. And when I am imagining what other people might be doing like attending a party or having a tasty lunch in great company, I am thinking, cool, but I don’t need to go anywhere. It is perfect right in this place of nothingness.
You might think, I hear you but that’s not what I want to do with my life. And yes, my message is not go meditate and you don’t need money. I do recommend meditation though. Money is a distraction because it makes my entire life about thinking about how I can get more as I subconsciously believe that when I have more money my life will be better and I will feel better.
And so three things happen: I am always living in the future, I am always chasing what I hope to have tomorrow and therefore I am never really present and the now, this moment now, is the only thing there ever is. The future has not yet arrived and the past is already gone. So when I am thinking about money, I am not present and hence I am not living. Instead, I am thinking and that's usually not the happiest place to be.
Secondly, not only I am thinking about it, I spend most of my time thinking about it. Because money touches everything. I buy something, I eat something, I go on a holiday, everything involves money and every time I have to pay for something, I think about it. Oh, this is cheap, this is expensive and this is such and such. And then I might talk about it with my family or friends.
Money, money, money all day long. There’s barely any time left for living. I am exaggerating but if I pay close attention to my day and thoughts, I will find money very present, maybe the most present category of thoughts.
Thirdly and most importantly, money makes me do things that I otherwise would not do. I might be working a job just because of what it pays because of the lifestyle I want to enjoy. So I am spending most of my waking time doing something that I don’t want to do just so that I can earn money so I can have a richer future. Bur I can't enjoy the presence much as a result.
Suddenly my whole life revolves around money though I never made that decision consciously. I never sat down and said, money is the most important thing because of such and such. No, it is something that I have been told, trained and educated into and everyone around me is living and doing it the same way so we follow each other like sheep never questioning why I am doing what I am doing and whether it makes any sense. It seems the normal thing to do.
But it is not. Money is a distraction from the life I could be living, from the life I actually would like to live. A life where I am doing what I love to do and yes, maybe I am less affluent but I am enjoying my entire day because I am doing something I am passionate about.
And I might even be more affluent because when we do what we love we get pretty good at it. And at the same time, I don’t care so much about material wealth because I don't need to escape my life as I am happy being right where I am doing what I love.
What a life that could be.
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