25/ i'm not a victim

I’m not a victim. Yet that’s how I have been operating most of my life. Not in an obvious way. Not by complaining about how difficult my life is or the weather or other people. But through my unconscious behaviour.

Something would disturb me and I would not say anything. I would not say anything because I didn’t want to create a conflict, I didn’t want to piss someone off. Instead of expressing my dislike about something, I would remain quiet and hold it against them. Unknown to them but to my mind it seemed obvious that they must know I didn’t like it.

Over time things accumulate and then slowly I would start nagging at them, making a comment here or there, making an annoyed face, etc. And so a passive-aggressive me would suddenly present itself. And it feels shitty. I don’t like to be that person yet I would not be able to help it.

I would be reluctant to express my needs or desires or boundaries for that matter and so things stockpiled and I would get increasingly annoyed and the relationship would get worse and worse. I felt like a victim of the situation, of the other person. And bam, I was, unconsciously, stuck in the drama triangle with someone.

Once you are in it, it needs a very conscious effort to get out of it again. So if I would be the self-imposed victim, because of my learnt lack of boundary setting and ability to communicate those, then the two remaining positions for others to take on are perpetrator and rescuer.

As long as I stay in the drama triangle, I always occupy one of these three spots, I am just rotating because the moment I get rescued by someone, I become the new perpetrator and my previous perpetrator is now the victim. I rotate on the triangle and I keep myself and everyone around me on the triangle as long as I don’t see it.

Unfortunately, most of the world is operating in this triangle, unconsciously, and is thereby stuck in a continuous power struggle with others. It is about dominating and hierarchy. I am better than you, I am more beautiful than you, I am more right than you, I know better than you, you name it.

And so I continuously create conflict. Even defending someone or helping another victim out of the drama triangle, rescuing that person, is just continuing the struggle in new positions. I found myself in just such a situation as the victim again and I couldn’t see it until it was graciously pointed out by my wonderful coach. And bam again, a light went on as we have worked a lot together so I immediately understood what was going on and took 100% responsibility for it.

I am not a victim. I am a creator. I created that situation. I made the other person the “bad guy” because I failed to clearly communicate my boundaries and needs upfront. I was not authentic. I was, as I told myself, accommodating and respectful and it backfired. Because I was inauthentic, I was not being myself and that always backfires. One way or another.

The moment I saw that I was free. I no longer felt animosity against my "perpetrator" because I realised that I had forced them to play that role by not taking ownership of the situation. I went down the seemingly convenient path of avoiding confrontation and in return I created a toxic environment for both of us. All just because I didn’t speak my mind.

As I am looking back at my life I can see the million times I have been doing that and how it got to bite me back hard later. Personally, professionally, in relationships, family, life, everywhere.

When the student is ready, the master appears. This time I had the vocabulary and awareness to see and own what I had created. And it was time to grow up, to step out of the drama triangle once and forever and become the 100% responsible creator that we are all meant to be.

From that place, I am who creates and therefore I can change anything, any situation. And so I finally grew up to be an empowered creator and no longer a victim. Thank you life for keeping showing me what I need to see - until I learn it and rise above.