Waking up, I started playing with my phone, scrolling, swiping, you name it. After I was done, I sat down to meditate. And it was a difficult meditation. My thoughts were racing and I was all but in a calm state. When I looked at my Oura ring afterwards, my heartbeat and my heart rate variability were not where they normally are during meditation. I could sense my body was under stress, relatively speaking.
And as I set there in meditation and my mind finally started slowing down, a thought arose: Why am I doing this? Why do I let my phone steal hours of my life doing something that doesn’t add to my life? Whether it is scrolling social media, which I don’t do that much anymore, or swiping through dating apps, which I still do and afterwards, I always feel a sense of failure. I know these are activities that not only are distractions from enjoying the beauty of life and being present but they also don’t lead to anything meaningful nor do they make me feel better.
Yet in the moment, I succumb to them courtesy of my craving mind which wants to see who’s behind the next swipe or what I get to see if I scroll just a little longer. These services are built around our dopamine system which always wants another hit. They are legal drugs. Rather than my phone serving me, it has turned me into its slave. Of course, this is all by design. There’s big business behind all of this. But I don’t want to defer responsibility.
I’m not a victim but the creator of this. I decide to give in to whatever urge or desire, to get the pleasure of another hit of dopamine instead of deciding against it knowing better after years of playing this game. And my heart even confirms the direct physical effect my behaviour has. So why I am doing it?
Well, there’s a craving element, maybe the longing for a partner, procrastinating about sitting down to meditate or whatever else I would otherwise do. And habits that I keep repeating of course reinforce themselves even further. It’s a beautiful example of how I am standing in my own way. It’s always me standing in my way. I’m a creator, I create the life I am living with every thought I think and every action I take.
That then in turn creates who I am, what is called Vincent. And because I created it myself, I also have the sole power to change it. And I know exactly what’s going on and therefore what needs to be done. So with this awareness present, there is no reason nor excuse not to let it go.
And yet, these things are hard. They can be really hard and of course, there’s a root cause behind whatever I am doing. And that’s where I need to go and rip the weed out of once and for all. In the end, it’s a simple decision and then to have the determination to stick with it. No when and but, no tomorrow but to stop it now. Because if not now then when?
When I am in meditation, I am connected with my higher, freer self and I can feel and see who it is and what it wants to create. Yet, here I am playing with my phone. That’s what is called wasting my life. And today, I am saying to myself once more: No more.
27/ what needs to be done