47/ the game of life

Welcome to a new year.

As I was closing 2022, I have been reflecting on what I learnt this year. I wrote down a lot of things but if I had to boil it down to one thing, it is this:

I have an ego: It’s called Vincent, it has 44 years, is 186cm / 6’1’’ tall, has green-brown eyes, has been a banker, entrepreneur, seeker, writer, coach, etc. etc. This ego thinks it knows a lot, has learnt a lot, prides itself in having gone down many rabbit holes and having come out of them more knowledgeable and wiser.

And that is all wonderful and it’s really easy to identify myself with all of that and more. And that is the trap. That is the very thing that keeps me stuck on this plane, the one where I am always trying to become someone, I am always becoming, but I never am.

And this ego is both my trap and my illusion. I am, we are all much more than we think we are. When we think, we are in the ego, we are living the ego, we are identifying with it - as in it being separate from others. And of course, this is what we have been taught and learnt since we touched down here, the moment since we came out of the womb and have been given a name.

And yet, this is not me but a construct the real me has created. And this construct is here for me to experience life, to experience cold and hot, ugly and beautiful, good and bad, right and wrong, rich and poor. Only through this separation and polarity, I can experiment, learn from the experimentation and then expand, grow and ultimately remember who I really am and return to that light and love that I am, that we all are.

Now this might sound all too spiritual for you, too disconnected from the reality we seem to be operating in, and I get it, it’s hard to see it that way, for me as much as it is probably for you. I have been blessed with having the desire and the ability to explore and play with these reflections in my daily life, it is what I do, to understand Reality and Truth.

And why does it matter? Because when I am going about my life without understanding who I truly am, how can I be playing this game of life well, without knowing what’s really going on here, who I am and what this is all about?

When I don’t ask these questions, I will try to live a life of pleasure, always trying to minimise pain. But does this work? In my experience and by observing and working with others, it does not. Also, all spiritual texts unequivocally state that the ego, the self, is an illusion and if we think about ourselves first or only, we are playing the game wrong.

I think most of us feel that there’s something wrong with how we approach life, at least if you take the time to just reflect a little in between the busy life that you might be living. No matter what we do, we never seem to arrive. So how do we arrive?

I want to feel happiness, love, gratitude, serenity, bliss, peace, … and the way to feel those is to bring them into the present moment. To do that, I have to let go of the notion that I have to arrive somewhere or become someone, to feel a certain way. And the moment I surrender to whatever is present, I will find all those things within me.

Everything I want is present when I stop looking or trying to get it. When I stop taking everything for granted that seems to be normal. When I start appreciating the wonder that my body is, that I can breathe in and miraculously, I oxygenate my blood which is transported to my cells and there an incredible machine is taking care of everything in every cell, trillions of them without me doing anything.

I can taste food, hear all kinds of sounds and see with my eyes the incredible beauty that nature has created. Wow, the richness of life. And you might say yes, but I need to make money so I can put food on the table, pay the mortgage for the new house and put the kids into school.

Yes, you might have to do all of that and a lot more, but if you cannot do that by bringing joy and love into your life, if you cannot enjoy that very journey, what is the point of it all? And that’s the point: There is no point in all of that. All of that, life itself just serves the purpose of us remembering who we really are, that we are just experiencing life on earth through this body, a temporary vessel we inhabit, to remember what we are: Love, light, consciousness, God, whatever you want to call it.

The separation we are experiencing “simply” serves the purpose to remember and appreciate who we are, underneath the hood so to speak. And when I remember that, then I realise there is no need for me to become someone, what I am trying to become unconsciously is to feel the light and love I am underneath the clouds of the ego that is yearning to experience the very things I am already.

And when I realise that I am looking for and trying to become something that I already am, then I sigh and all the expectation and pressure fall away because by no longer trying to become I can finally simply be. And as I don’t need to realise or achieve anything anymore, I can stop worrying about myself and I can be loving, generous and giving to others.

And when I find the courage to do exactly that, to not think of myself first but how I can serve others, then the most magical things happen, then I suddenly start flowing with life and life starts bringing everything to me that I ever wished for. I feel love, light, purpose, presence, peace, beauty, all the good things effortlessly. There is no more trying, fighting, competing, I simply am and I trust that life will guide me through pain and joy to where I need to go.

Whatever I feel and experience are simply feedback mechanisms of life to guide me back onto the path I am meant to walk on. The more I suffer, the more I am depressed, not feeling love but lack and meaninglessness where every day seems to be a struggle, the more life is trying to tell me, hey, that’s the wrong direction, you are playing the wrong game.

The more joy, peace and love I feel, the more life is telling me, hey, that’s where you want to go, keep going and it’ll get even more beautiful. It is that simple. The hard part is first realising that this is how it works and then, the harder part, to have the courage to live it, to embody it, to trust life, to stop fighting and competing.

And the only way to find out is to be and do it. The mind will never be able to grasp it because the magic of life is beyond the mind. Believe me, I have tried for many years to intellectually arrive at this place. It doesn’t work. I have to live it: The trust, the faith, the giving, the surrender of the ego.

Following my last episode, I have given away a book to those who responded. This book powerfully and in an entertaining way conveys the key to a fulfilling life clearer and more concisely than any other book I have read before. If you want to make yourself a big gift for the start of the new year, I could not recommend this book more highly:

Link to Amazon

Don’t let yourself be put off or fooled by the title. This book is not a satire but is very powerful and concrete about how to live the most fulfilling life. And of course, we not only have to read it but be and do it. 

If you have not received the book following your response, please check your spam folder for an email from Amazon or Audible. Otherwise, please send me a message.

And now I’d like to share with you the most touching message I have received. When we authentically share, we help each other to bring more light into the world, to connect with our humanity and with what is real. I hope it moves you as much as it did me and it empowers you to start the new year with more gratitude and love. I wish you that 2023 may be your most beautiful year yet. Happy New Year.

Vincent,

I’ve struggled with depression for quite a while. Something sad has always been dormant in me for as long as I can remember, but the conclusion of a relationship a few years ago sent me into a spiral and just when I thought I couldn’t get lower, my self worth plummeted to the core of the earth. For a while I didn’t want to help myself. I got comfortable with the sadness because it was familiar and the truth was I think a part of me liked the pain. After a certain point, I didn’t think I was capable of being happy and that I must have done something to deserve this punishment. Something karmic perhaps? I’ve long used my pain as comedic relief. I loved being the sad clown. It has been my art. Sometimes my only joy. If my pain could be pleasure for others, then it wouldn’t all be in vain. I still feel that way because I like to make people laugh, even if it’s at my own expense. I’ve done some “work”. Some therapy, some meditation, some reading, some writing. But, I’ve never really felt like I’ve truly made strides. 

Your insights with these daily musings and spiritual reflections always manage to center me and make me feel calm. I feel closer to making changes that I know I need to make in order to feel better. The episodes about ayahuasca in particular peaked my interest as it has been something I’ve always been curious about, especially in treating depression. I have self prescribed micro-dosing psilocybin but it wasn’t really for me as mushrooms have a really strong effect on me and I couldn’t seem to get it right. I remember asking you for some recommendations for Aya last year and I was even thinking of revisiting this as I’ll be going to the source next week for a work trip. I have been careful not to force it because I know there is preparation involved and I want to make sure the timing is right and I’m not rushing in or out of it. I want to be intentional and take it seriously. Not be impulsive, which I can be sometimes. I’m at a point now where I’m not desperate for relief. I’ve surrendered to what is and how things are and that makes things feel a lot better. But if I’m honest, I’m still not great and I don’t want to be complacent with how I’m feeling and where I am spiritually, emotionally, physically. 

I’m opening my arms to the universe and am open to receiving the wisdom that will carry me into the 2023. Grateful for all lessons and teachings in whatever form they may take. Thank you for the daily dose of hope and inspiration. 

Lots of love

If you are struggling with something, whatever it is and you feel that a conversation with me might help you, please have the courage to reach out.