Waking up is f**ing exhausting. I feel I’m in a constant place of undecidedness but it’s not that usual place of indecision. It’s the biggest “decision” there is. And if my striping naked Ayahuasca experience is of any indication (you can listen to it here), the decision has already been made.
I am just dancing around it as I am trying to avoid completing it. And that is creating the very suffering - both in real life as well as at that time in my Ayahuasca experience. I had to let go, surrender and strip naked to experience the liberation of doing that yet I could not get myself to do it. That is, until I did. And oh boy, was it freeing. Not only because I was no longer stuck in limbo land but also because it was easy.
The idea of striping naked kept me in bondage because it felt like an impossibility to do but when I took off my last piece of clothing in front of a group of 20 people, so what, I stood there naked. No big deal. Next…
And that’s the very situation I am finding myself now in again. There’s a deeper calling to surrender to the trust my higher self and there’s my earthly, psychological version of Vincent that doesn’t trust, worries about the future, needs to make and hoard money, doesn’t want to let go, or cannot, and needs to control. And the fight between these two seemingly very opposing "I"s of juxtaposed realms and understandings is tearing me inside apart.
Because until I “strip naked” aka go through the door of letting go of wanting to control life and outcome, I am stuck in limbo not knowing what to do because it touches every aspect of my life. Do I take the surrendered, possibly divine route or do I take the material, controlled, fear-based route?
And I know the answer, of course, after all these years of seeking, it can only be the former yet in four decades of habit forming and conditioning, Vincent and his mind only know the latter and he's winding and whining to let go of it because uncertainty is where that leads me into - and that’s exactly the place I need to go, where all the magic happens.
And this being in between worlds is literally driving me insane as my mind is trying to decide what is right and wrong, what is the right, the best path. But the place I am going the mind has never experienced, it doesn't know nor understand it, because it has never been and because it is the place of no mind.
It's the place where it surrenders its domain, its grip, where it is no longer in control. How could the mind be in favour of such a place where it no longer has much importance nor leadership, it kind of becomes obsolete for navigating life. So of course, I, the mind, am scared. And yet there is no way around it.
I can keep stalling, thinking, trying to avoid, dancing around that door that I choose I will ultimately go through. And I know deep down I will do it. It's not if but when. And I know when I will do it, it will be easy, just like when I was fighting with myself whether to strip naked or not, yet I seem I can't quite yet take that step.
It feels like such a leap, such a dangerous step to take and so I keep dancing around it in between worlds, a painful place to be because it’s neither one nor the other. It's carrying the burden of an unmade decision that is constantly on my mind.
I know I cannot and won't go back to the old ways so there’s only the option to go forward, to surrender - and yet, I can't quite do it yet. My mind is still too powerful or rather I am still giving power to my mind rather than my heart, my knowing deep down where I know what I need to do.
So I keep on suffering and am thinking myself insane until I am finally taking that step. So I keep on stalling, hiding under the covers, procrastinating with decisions, holding back, trying not to think of what I “need” to do, kind of stopping to live life - at least from the perspective of how it could be.
And maybe that’s the process I need to go through. Maybe this is the dark night of the soul. And if my striping naked experience is of any foretelling, taking the actual step will be very easy. The moment I am ready, I can just do it and it’s done. That's it.
But for now the mind is still firmly in the driver seat, driving me insane, keeping me suffering, until I had enough and go through the door that I know I will go through. Until then, my suffering will keep showing me what I need to see so that I can do what I need to do. And once I do, I am taking a step back into the Garden of Eden being my true self. What a beautiful place that will be.
8/ driving myself insane