I was feeling I am ripped apart again, not physically but inside myself. There are two worlds and it feels like I am straddled between them with one leg in each. And it’s a very unnerving place to be. Really, there is only one world but the other world, the one I am coming from and where most of the world operates within, is an illusion - yet a very powerful one.
It’s the world of the mind. It’s a fictitious world as it is solely made up by my mind. It’s not real but it feels very real. It’s also the world of control and one that is driven by fear meaning if I'm not in control something bad will happen. It’s also the world of worries, anxieties and not being myself.
And then there’s the other world, the real one, the only one, yet the one that is so hard to see from the world of the mind which I am coming from because I have been educated and indoctrinated into that world of so-called reason, logic, intellect and thinking - and that that what I perceive is truth.
Nothing could be further from the Truth. The real world is one of surrender, of trusting the heart, of being connected with one’s intuition and body, one of flow, of letting go and of peace and bliss and full presence. Being in the moment because that’s the only thing there ever is.
Tomorrow and yesterday don’t exist. They are memories, figments in my mind, but there really just is right now and if I cannot be present, I am never in the now and that means I am always somewhere else, existing rather than experiencing life.
Maybe not even existing but suffering, worrying and being anxious about what could go wrong, making the wrong decisions, worrying about how it could play out and what other people think. That’s the world of the mind and it’s an illusion.
So I find myself in this place aware of the "situation" but so married to my mind that it feels very risky to let go of it because that's the unknown and who knows whether I might survive in that place. Typing these words down I realise how utterly ridiculous it is and yet, in this moment, that’s how it feels. And it’s exhausting.
But this is the only world I know, the world I have been operating from all my life. I’m told that I am not even a mental person yet I’m operating from that plane most of the time because I don’t know any better. I’m told I’m a heart-based person and I’ve been running around in the wrong outfit all my life.
I guess that’s why I am here and typing these words. Deep down I’ve been realising it and it has dragged me to this very place I'm in showing me that I am not being myself, that something needs to change. But this is not just me. Really, nothing is as it seems because the whole world, with very few exceptions, is stuck in the mind.
This mind, my mind, creates this illusion of the character named Vincent that is such and such and does such and such and worries about such and such and is perceived as such and such. It’s all a construct, it’s not real.
And so the things I worry about are not real either. They are creations of the subconscious mind that keep popping up at the surface as thoughts and the mental me attaches and elaborates on them rather than just noticing them, saying thank you and letting them go. No need to think about it. And soon, they would become lesser and lesser.
And they already are. Meditating hours a day every day has been eye-opening. There’s nothing more powerful in my experience than creating a strong meditation practice. I used to think when I felt very clear and life was running smoothly that I don’t need one right now - but I know better now.
No matter how I am doing, I meditate because only there I am confronted and presented with the messiness of my mind, how ridiculous it is. And it makes me wonder how could I trust this entity to guide me through life. Only through my meditation practice, did I let sanity back into my life.
Really, we are all insane. If I would speak out loudly what is going on in my mind it would not be long until I was locked up. That is a powerful thing to contemplate. To look at my thoughts, every single one of them, as an objective observer.
And so I am realising that nothing is as it seems. My mind creates that world for me and I take it for real, continuously presenting me with all the dangers and things that could go wrong because that’s what the mind mainly is here for, to keep me alive. And it does its job really well: It comes up even with the most remote and unlike possibilities. And yes, pretty much all of them are fictitious.
My whole existence is a fiction. Vincent is just a label, what I do is changing all the time, my cells are dying and birthed all the time, nothing in me is stable and my physical existence is a manifestation of spirit and so is the mind.
So the mind keeps me in bondage creating a world of illusions, that is until I let it go. Until I say thank you for keeping me safe and bringing me to today in one piece. And now, I no longer need your guidance. I love for you to be creative and come up with ideas but as the driver of my life, you are not needed, there is someone much better than me and that is trusting myself, my heart and intuition to guide me through life.
From there on everything will become effortless and beautiful. But until I am ready to surrender my illusion, the battle continues.
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