Forgiving everyone. That is what came up in my meditation and it was so clear and easy to do so I just did it. Letting go of all grudges, of all hurt, of all the seemingly unjust stuff that has been done to me.
In that moment, it struck me as the most obvious thing to do. How could I have not seen that before? Why would I want to walk around carrying with me this weight of grudges for what has happened in the past? That’s a lot of stuff to carry. As the saying goes: Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head. And yet, I have done just that for most of my life.
Grudges for what other people have done to me and regrets for what I have or have not done. No wonder I could not see things clearly with all this noise inside of me. I feel lighter. And it wasn’t a big deal. Not compared to how big it actually is. I have forgiven everyone and everything. I don’t hold anything against anyone anymore. That’s grand, it’s big.
Yet it feels like just another day. It’s easy to say and much harder to do. But I did it. I can feel it. I feel the release. And it was easy the moment the realisation arose and I fully embraced that everything that has been “done to me” had to happen so I arrive at the exact place I am now in. In fact, I had let it be done to me. It was me doing it to myself - until I learnt this lesson and released it.
All the lessons that I needed to learn from people stealing from me, betraying me, hurting me, cheating on me, etc. It was all there for a higher purpose. Call me delirious but I now see it clearly. It’s not that I enjoyed any of it. But with the benefit of hindsight, I can see how these were lessons to direct me to what I needed to learn to evolve. Including my own mistakes. Everything was, is and always will be a gift.
It’s not that I have not done my fair share of injustices to other people thereby shooting in my own foot while holding it against others (see 25/ i'm not a victim). The ego is such a formidable foe in twisting and turning everything making it look like it is other people doing something to me rather than me doing or avoiding things with others, unconsciously or not, and then receiving the boomerang back.
I'm a master manifestor, we all are, meaning that I manifest the very thing I am holding in my mind. It’s like the headquarter for the unfoldment of my life. Holding grudges and resentment is then creating a life full of that darkness and ignoring the very teachings it encapsulates. For example, I should have paid more attention to the needs of my cofounder. It was awful how he schemed me out of the business but it’s not about that.
It was not about what he did but what I needed to learn. We are all mirrors and thereby teachers to each other. Think of it like a school. We are all on different levels of awareness. So we are capable of taking more on because our growth is authentically growing in capacity. It’s not a tit-for-tat. That’s for kindergarten. If I can hold a larger frame, I can hold space for more than me, accommodate the needs beyond my own ones and see clearer what everyone around me needs. That's when I expand.
And so all these grudges are lessons in smallness, where I have been thinking that life should operate by my rules and my understanding of what is right and wrong when it was just there to show me: Hey, wake up, you are here to learn, to grow, to expand and to love rather than forcing your rules and desires onto the world.
I am committed to living my brightest most giving life rather than remaining as the smaller version of Vincent who thinks everything must be just and equal. If I am stronger, I am meant to carry more.
As Mooji said: Do not strain yourself trying to improve this world. First, completely know yourself. Then your actions they spring from this spontaneity, from this depth, from this understanding, from the real. And they will shower blessing upon this world.
Below the messages with my coach when it happened:
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