If you have not read the previous episodes, please start here (36/ drinking ayahuasca, again) for context.
Every ceremony begins with each participant sharing their intention for the night with the group. One says: I ask God and Mother Ayahuasca to…” We go around in the circle. It’s my turn. After yesterday’s most beautiful and heart-opening experience, my cup of love for life is full and I am ready to move on from asking for something for myself: "I ask God and Mother Ayahuasca to give me the strength, wisdom and grace to serve humanity with love.”
I am not religious and in a conventional sense, I don’t believe in God. That is until I understood that what the churches of the world teach us is a misrepresentation of God based on a dual worldview where there’s the earthly, material realm and the heavenly, spiritual realm. This belief system is single-handedly responsible for all the suffering in the world. Because it tells us that there’s us and then there’s another place - whether you believe in a life beyond death or not.
I used to be an atheist so I have to smile that I now believe in God. God is one word for it, the spiritual. Science refers to the same thing as consciousness and experientially we refer to it as awareness. Universal consciousness or awareness is all pervasive. Without it, we would not be able to experience life. But consciousness does not originate in the brain. Consciousness is without location, form or time. It is what the universe is made of. Everything originates from it. And when you go really deep in meditations, you start connecting with that Reality.
I was getting on a tangent. I will share more about the above in another post. Back to our night no. 3 drinking Ayahuasca: The night I met, or experienced God. Again, I am sharing my verbatim notes I wrote down the morning after:
The night I met God. The was the most intensive and most beautiful night of my life. Everything became clear and fell into place. I never felt so much clarity and decisiveness about what needs to be done. That is because I have met my true self, I know who I am. I feel full of love and purpose and there is no more doubt or fear.
Money and needing to be right are a thing of the past replaced with love, humility and deep gratitude. I have seen the matrix, the web that connects and runs everything. I am (we all are) and I can (we all can) tap into it. I attended my own initiation as a humble servant of humanity. I realised my power to create from and with love and my divine guidance and protection (I am now realising it is always present for all of us though life might not give us what our mind and human experience want, it always gives us what we need to grow and expand.)
I felt deep healing for my body and the removal of all shadows within me. It became clear what I need to do next.
Rereading and typing those notes I realise they don’t do it justice nor might it be clear for the reader what was actually going on. There are no words to describe this experience but I will try to provide more colour and context.
First Ayahuasca/God/consciousness worked on and repaired my body. Visually, it’s experienced like a of-geometric-patterns formed being that is living and breathing and with infinite detail. I am saying repaired my body because I could feel something doing surgery on my body. No pain but I could feel things inside my body changing.
After that and for the rest of the night, it was a celebration. I huge party. It was like I was welcomed into the heavens with a huge celebration, like the whole universe and its beings were throwing a party for me. It felt like this is what happens when one surrenders, lets go, and moves out of darkness, fear and scarcity into love, light and infinite possibilities. Again, it seemed like the first, extremely hard night and me being willing to let go of everything was the admittance ticket to where I find myself now.
Nader has told us that Ayahuasca works like an elevator. Once you free yourself of your inner demons, you can move upward towards the heavens. Although there was no elevator present for me, I felt how I was moving from the lower realms, the darkness, into a place of light, love, joy and high vibrations.
Nader always checks in with everyone at least once during the night and if you are struggling as many times as you need him. As he came to me, he said: I am Nader, who are you? I responded: Vincent (no jokes from me this time :). He asked: How are you doing? Me: Incredible. It feels like I am attending a coronation of sorts. It’s a huge celebration. And there’s just love, joy and happiness. He said: Good. Wonderful.
Then he puts his hand on my heart and says: There is still some ego. Let it go. You don’t need it. And then he leaves me. I am thinking, interesting, I thought I had let that go yesterday but the ego is, as my coach likes to say, insidious. You move out of it in one place and it pops up in disguise in another place. Maybe my ego has transformed from I need to be someone to I need to help others, the saviour complex.
I am starting to scan through my body and especially around the heart to feel if there are any contractions. If I am completely open, trusting and in peace, there should be no contractions. After I am somehow unsuccessful in the body I start playing through my mental processes. And there I discover a tiny but present saviour complex meaning it is me who will show others the light. But that’s a confusion of the ego.
I am, and no one is here to show anybody anything about how they should live their lives. What my mission or purpose is at best is to be the change I want to see in the world. To model love, compassion, surrender, trust, light and exactly not be in the ego of how great, smart, intelligent, wise or impressive I am. That is the trap that is so easy to fall into on the spiritual journey. And spiritual ego is worse than the normal ego because one should know better, one has done inner work to move out of the ego, not into a different shape of it and believing there is none anymore.
With great (inner) power comes great responsibility. Humility and the shunning of arrogance and pride as Mooji says in the last minute of this (another :) beautiful meditation: You are the seeds of awakening in the sleeping world. So don’t sleep now. Don’t turn back. Don’t turn away from the support of grace. Shun arrogance and pride. Flourish in the self.
The “instructions” are clear: Serving others with love, grace and humility by showing up as the best version of myself, having filled my cup of love and gratitude (I do that in my morning meditations) so that when I get up it is no longer about me. Whether it is me needing or wanting more of something or me wanting to save others or whatever - all of those are wants of the ego. Both of them are based on fear (of not being enough) rather than love. And fear is the enemy and opposite of love.
My most important, daily work is to empty myself of those needs and to show up us the most loving, present and humble human being I can be. Again, as Mooji says here: Do not strain yourself trying to improve this world. First, completely know yourself. Then your actions they spring from this spontaneity, from this depth, from this understanding, from the real. And they will shower blessing upon this world. And that is also the most beautiful way to experience life.
In the morning integration circle, Nader shares instructions for our journeys: Whatever is there, whatever the difficulty, just accept it, surrender to it. This is the way we experience life: to experience it, to face it, to learn from it and then I don’t have to experience (the difficulty again). Nader is beautiful at embodying and modelling wisdom and humility.
I feel blessed. I’m in deep gratitude for my journey.
Next: 40/ birth of the new me
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